Dear Allah,

Have not the noble, hard-working, evangelical, and Republican-leaning peoples of this great Commonwealth suffered enough? After the fury You unleashed upon us in the form of ice, wind, and locust swarms, have we not fully atoned for our cursed political retardation? O cruel yet fair and invisible Cloud-Man, You test us, we of the liberal jihadist drive-by media, with one paltry Democratic Senatorial candidate after another; I fear that this dangerous cycle has gone on too long, as the wisdom of Your divine chicanery seems to be lost upon much of Your wayward flock.

Take Brother Patrick Crowley, of The Kentucky (read: Cincinnati) Enquirer. His most recent diatribe concerned itself with Lt. Gov. Daniel Mongiardo — specifically, how the Good Doctor has been the subject of too much abuse, from both friend and foe, and doesn’t deserve any of it — yet despite brother Crowley’s impassioned effort and blatant admiration of Mongiardo’s “hardened” physique, I doubt that his words shed little light on the Divine Will being enacted right under our noses.

Although Crowley tries to make the case that Mongiardo has been unfairly maligned by forces beyond his control (that he’s essentially a good, hard-working, evangelical, and Republican-leaning guy), the author commits the sin of omission, oh Lord: Nowhere does Crowley mention Brother D’s affection for mountaintop removal; his dedication to the purity of marriage as it should be: between two straight and increasingly-unhappy people; his marrying of only one wife — all of which has caused much despair within the KDP (nothing new there).

Nor does Crowley give much thought to the long-term feasibility of super-dreamy State AG Jack “The Mack” Conway; in his estimation, Conway only pushes Mongiardo toward the margins, as if the Lt. Gov. didn’t belong there by being out of step with his own party despite Crowley’s claims to the contrary. Nor does any of this probably even matter, because You have seen fit to possess the incumbent Sen. Bunning with the crazy; the KDP could field Carrot Top and win by four points. Mongiardo’s very-real baggage and intra-party hatred won’t really matter (so long as Bunning keeps this up), so neither does defending it.

What does matter, however, is that every time a member of the Kentucky press corps. writes something like this, an angel’s wings are duct-taped together. And for that, O Lord, we’ve suffered enough.