Oh Jesus: it’s really come down to this, hasn’t it? I mean, it’s one thing to be named the most perverted city in the country, quite another to be labeled as one of the dumbest, too… but telling us that we are among the saddest bastards in this nation? Pass the shotgun shells, please, and lay down some plastic tarp. It’s only polite.
The survey, conducted by Gallup-Healthways, even breaks the sad little numbers down to the congressional district level. Our very own 3rd District is, overall, the happiest district in the state, which isn’t really saying a whole lot — we rank 302nd out of 435 districts, nationally. [Click here to go to the site, then type in your zip code in the little box, in order to see other sad numbers]
Oh, and here’s the bottom ten, for commiseration’s sake:
40. Louisiana: 64.2
41. Michigan: 64.0
42. Tennessee: 64.0
43. Oklahoma: 64.0
44. Missouri: 63.8
45. Indiana: 63.3
46. Arkansas: 62.9
47. Ohio: 62.8
48. Mississippi: 61.9
49. Kentucky: 61.4
50. West Virginia: 61.2
Wow:Yet another thing to gloat over West Virginia about that isn’t worth gloating over, right?
And the happiest state, you might be wondering? Why, it’s Utah! Yes, that’s right: UTAH; with its canyons and white people and non-insane climate and smiling. So what is it about us, then, that makes us so unhappy? The crippling, systemic poverty and political oppression engineered by wealthy landed elites across multiple generations? Globalization? All the driving we do, alone in our big, empty cars? Or the Civil War?
Luckily, we invented a cure for these and other problems, so don’t worry too much.