The editors of failing paper-of-record The New York Times have published their most important editorial feature of the year. In it, psychologists and other assorted eggheads offer advice on how best to build up a child’s belief in the present-demon known as “Santa Claus” and then pull the rug from underneath them while inflicting only a minimum of psychic trauma.

The most egregious offense comes from Gregory Mone, whom has the audacity to meld pagan apologetics with quantum mechanics:

If they ask how he visits all those homes in a single night, for example, I’ll propose that he might time travel, using astrophysical oddities called wormholes. How does he read all those Christmas lists? He might have an automated mail-sorter that opens the envelopes, scans the notes, then uses a machine reading-program to decipher the handwriting. This way, Santa wouldn’t have to scour the lists himself. His computers would do it for him.

“His computers would do it for him”…? What about long ago, before Intel and Turing machines and vacuum-based computer processing? How did Santa do it then, smart guy? Huh? (The answer here, of course, is Santa = Jesus)