Oh, to be white, male and a member of the Kentucky senate.
Few institutions outside of the Ku Klux Klan, FOX NEWS and the He-Man Women-Hater’s Club reward this demographic more handsomely than our own state legislature. Although the form of these rewards vary wildly — from good ol’ boy coal funding and golf course kickbacks to crafting legislation upon a medieval philosophical viewpoint without the slightest of repercussions — none can be more sweeter, or more fulfilling, than the reward of biological volition: To be able to do with one’s body whatever one deems appropriate, so long as it’s (1) not gay or (2) is secretly gay.
Unfortunately, if you happen to be a female in this state, then your biological freedoms will be drastically reduced by men whom have overwhelmingly passed senate bill 38, which was “introduced” by GOP meatpuppet Sen. Elizabeth Tori, R-10.
Put simply, SB38 mandates that any woman seeking an abortion must receive an ultrasound because (as we all know) women obviously neglect thinking through such serious and heartbreaking dilemmas due to their collective lack of penis and testicles, which (we also know) is the source of good judeo-christian morality. Had women been bestowed these magical law-making parts, then perhaps they might possess the mental acumen required in matters of life, death and other things that happen inside a uterus before they get knocked up or raped.
Like the mental acumen of the Kentucky senate, a body that isn’t afraid to make the hard choices for women and their unborn children. Nevermind that it’s demeaning, disrespectful and dishonest to masquerade a bill that undercuts a patient’s right to choose as an expansion of patient protection when, in fact, it isn’t. (As one of the few dissenting voices, Sen. Kathy Stein, D-13, put it, “We can read between the lines.” … especially if those lines appear on an HD ultrasound monitor with a 73hz refresh rate, so you can see your fetus’ disappointment in real time!) As evidenced, baiting-and-switching is a familiar political tactic. Were the Kentucky senate not comprised of sexist illiterates we’d still be dealing with egalitarian illiterates anyway, which we’re not, even though one can dream of progress, so I guess in all possible universes they would’ve voted for it regardless.
Of all the myriad problems facing this sickly commonwealth (a zombie economy, urban/rural poverty, budgetary shortfalls-galore, rampant income inequality, unattainable education and health care, actual zombies, etc.) our lawmakers have rightly ascertained that the biggest threat to Kentucky’s very existence is the amount of money we’re losing by not milking extra cash from poor pregnant women – especially when it is so much easier to do than messy boring tax-reform.
Sure, the lives of poor pregnant women are already hard enough — what with being poor and pregnant and a woman in a state that seemingly respects none of those things — but if poor pregnant women aren’t forced to get an extraneous medical procedure costing an average of $300, then they’ll just use it to buy crack or food or whatever poor people do wit their money.
That’s $300 that isn’t going toward a medical provider of some kind; $300 that isn’t going to buoy the $1.5 billion shortfall by any stretch;$300 that won’t buy David Williams, Greg Stumbo or the invisible ghost of Kentucky democracy, Alben Barkley, a new summer home.
What $300 will provide is an opportunity for women to view the fetus and, perhaps via SB38′s brand of legislated guilt, forgo the procedure altogether — because that’s what Jesus would want them to do (after being coerced and controlled by the state apparatus). Or maybe they will just look away from the ultrasound monitor because salt rubbed into wounds usually hurts more.
Robbing from the poor to give to the rich isn’t anything new, especially in a state that tries to fix massive holes in its budget by taxing to hell alcohol, tobacco and lower-income workers. Perhaps with a Christian-side hug from Lady Luck, Kentucky will enjoy an expanded gambling provision that will siphon whatever money is leftover after booze, smokes and diapers have been purchased. But stealing candy from a baby before the baby is even born has to earn Sen. Tori & Co. a few words of commendation. So why don’t you call (502) 564-3188 and tell them what a bang-up job they’re doing fucking everything all to hell for everybody.
Just make sure you’re a man, because all phones in Frankfort short-circuit when they come within three feet of a vagina.