In a stunning expose on the dangers of mechanically separated-and-tubed meat products, McClatchy Newspapers ask the question that’s on everyone’s mind:

How much will cleaning up BP’s oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico cost?

Will Israel be held accountable for its attack of a Gaza-bound aid flotilla?

Will Congress actually pass financial reform that matters?

CAN HOT DOGS MURDER CHILDREN AND THE ELDERLY?

McClatchy is on the case:

Call them weenies, call them franks or call them red hots. But should we call them dangerous?

The American Academy of Pediatrics says so, because children can choke on them.

Now an inventor says he has come up with a revolutionary idea for an improved hot dog design: Make incisions down the sides so that, as it heats, the dog will open into a floral-type design that will more easily break apart if stuck in the throat.

“What we’re trying to do is make a safer hot dog,” said idea man Gene Gagliardi Jr. of Creativators LLC in Pennsylvania.

Cindy Fauntz of Fairway, Kan., said she could see the benefit of the design not only for children but for older people.

“It looks kind of weird, and I usually go for looks,” Fauntz said upon being a shown a photo of the product while shopping at her neighborhood Hen House store. “I would probably purchase something like that, if it’s a health issue.”

The only health issue here is, obviously, a mental one: That nobody’s questioning whether kids should actually be eating hot dogs in such mass quantities — and with such speed as to actually be fatal — is beyond troubling, but par for the course, I guess, in a country that consumes more guilt-free calories than any other in the history of the world.

Also featured in the riveting report is The Kinder Cut, which sort of looks like a Swedish penis pump except for the whole “slices tubes of meat into ribbons” part, and a picture of which appears on The Courier-Journal’s website accompanied by the following bit of text that makes me laugh as much as it makes me want to cry, journalism is so dead in this country:

The Kinder Cut Hot Dog is a patented cutting design which reduces the likelihood of choking. It is being introduced to the industry by Rastelli Foods of Swedesboro, N.J. The hotdog has 8 lengthwise slits leaving a narrow core. Packaged, the slits are not detectable, appearing like any other packaged hot dog. The kinder cut hot dog can be cooked as any other hotdog, boiled, grilled, microwaved, and roller-grilled, etc. During the cooking process the slits open up, allowing condiments to adhere to the hot dog. The kinder cut hot dog has a distinct, natural bite which also allows it to break into smaller pieces in the mouth, reducing the likelihood of choking. Or, cut the hotdog into pieces and cook, opening the slits into a starburst design. This starburst design also allows dipping sauce to be easily picked up, making it an excellent choice for fun and inexpensive hors D’oeuvres.

Now… what were you saying about the Middle East?