Or, The End is Nigh:
At 11:30 a.m., Louisville-based corporate fast food giant Yum! Brands — the company that owns Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and 37 pounds of your fat ass — set out to show the arrogant motherfuckers of Brookville, In., a thing or two, by cooking the most chicken the world has ever seen.
Why Brookville, In., you ask? Last month, Brookville’s Canoefest unofficially fried 1,654 pounds of chicken — a mighty feat, yes, but nonetheless an affront to Louisville’s corporate identity that could not remain unchallenged for long.
Why, in general? Now that’s a good question.
In response to/in honor of its 70th anniversary, KFC orchestrated the above scenario that should serve as some kind of barometer for how close our society is to a large-scale collapse (not to mention how utterly unprepared we’ll be when it happens): 2,493.35 pounds of hormone-laden poultry-flesh was fried and served to “hundreds of people,” according to spokesman Rick Maynard.
While I suppose it’s great and all that the corporate face for international chicken consumption can claim this kind of victory on its home turf — not to mention that 1,500 uneaten pounds of chicken wings, thighs and breasts that adorned the top of the giant, largely hollow “Retro Bucket” (as seen above) were donated to the Dare to Care Food Bank — a spectacle such as this conveys a larger message, I think, about why this country is doomed, because it speaks to an unsustainable way of life that favors the profit margins of large corporations over our own cholesterol levels that doesn’t require a subscription to Adbusters to figure out. In order to feel good about this kind of gross mismanagement of the world’s resources, we must remind ourselves that the poor can derive sustainable from the table scraps of corporate publicity stunts like this? I seriously digress…
Suffice it to say, the folks at the People for the Ethical Treatment were nowhere to be found, much to the surprise of veteran Colonel Sanders lookalike/official KFC spokesman Bob Thompson, who was there on business.
“I thought they’d be here, but I’m surprised they aren’t,” Thompson says of the non-existent protestors. “I understand where they’re coming from. I just disagree with them.”
Understandable. However, while waiting in line for my free piece of chicken, a KFC employee, Cindy, informs me that the chicken might be running out.
“But what about that chicken?” I say, pointing at the “display” pieces atop the Retro Bucket.
“Oh, you don’t want to eat that,” she says. “It’s been sitting out for a while and it’s not meant to be eaten.”