Chicken-frying corporation fries a (literal) ton of chickens

Or, The End is Nigh:

At 11:30 a.m., Louisville-based corporate fast food giant Yum! Brands — the company that owns Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and 37 pounds of your fat ass — set out to show the arrogant motherfuckers of Brookville, In., a thing or two, by cooking the most chicken the world has ever seen.

Why Brookville, In., you ask? Last month, Brookville’s Canoefest unofficially fried 1,654 pounds of chicken — a mighty feat, yes, but nonetheless an affront to Louisville’s corporate identity that could not remain unchallenged for long.

Why, in general? Now that’s a good question.

In response to/in honor of its 70th anniversary, KFC orchestrated the above scenario that should serve as some kind of barometer for how close our society is to a large-scale collapse (not to mention how utterly unprepared we’ll be when it happens): 2,493.35 pounds of hormone-laden poultry-flesh was fried and served to “hundreds of people,” according to spokesman Rick Maynard.

While I suppose it’s great and all that the corporate face for international chicken consumption can claim this kind of victory on its home turf — not to mention that 1,500 uneaten pounds of chicken wings, thighs and breasts that adorned the top of the giant, largely hollow “Retro Bucket” (as seen above) were donated to the Dare to Care Food Bank — a spectacle such as this conveys a larger message, I think, about why this country is doomed, because it speaks to an unsustainable way of life that favors the profit margins of large corporations over our own cholesterol levels that doesn’t require a subscription to Adbusters to figure out. In order to feel good about this kind of gross mismanagement of the world’s resources, we must remind ourselves that the poor can derive sustainable from the table scraps of corporate publicity stunts like this? I seriously digress…

Suffice it to say, the folks at the People for the Ethical Treatment were nowhere to be found, much to the surprise of veteran Colonel Sanders lookalike/official KFC spokesman Bob Thompson, who was there on business.

“I thought they’d be here, but I’m surprised they aren’t,” Thompson says of the non-existent protestors. “I understand where they’re coming from. I just disagree with them.”

Understandable. However, while waiting in line for my free piece of chicken, a KFC employee, Cindy, informs me that the chicken might be running out.

“But what about that chicken?” I say, pointing at the “display” pieces atop the Retro Bucket.

“Oh, you don’t want to eat that,” she says. “It’s been sitting out for a while and it’s not meant to be eaten.”

4 Comments

  1. Puhn Tang
    Posted August 18, 2010 at 12:14 pm | Permalink

    I prefer the smell and taste of fried chicken over PETA chicks. Those nekked PETA chicks in the ads are models and celebrities..the real ones have hairy legs and pits and bathe less than the French. Who’d want to eat some of that?

  2. mike miller
    Posted August 20, 2010 at 9:17 am | Permalink

    I boycott ALL fast food and chain restaurants. Eat locally grown food and support local restaurants. It’s healthier for us and our economy.
    Even if you have no empathy for chickens’ lives, you should care about the quality of the food you’re eating.

  3. mike miller
    Posted August 20, 2010 at 9:22 am | Permalink

    Response to Puhn Tang:
    You prefer eating birds to interacting with real live women. Is your girl friend all slick, shiny and made of plastic? Did you buy the model with the vibrating mouth?

  4. Puhn Tang
    Posted August 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    Mike, my plastic girl friend not only has the vibrating mouth option, but she’s also anal-ready. I highly recommend both options for the extra 20 bucks. Now, with my real life girl friend, we love to eat a bucket of KFC and smear each other with grease and then fuck like monkeys and argue over which comes first.

2 Trackbacks

  1. By Kentucky Fascist Chicken? – FatLip on February 8, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    [...] “F” and “C” don’t officially stand for anything anymore except profitable coronary thrombosis, the Western fast food brand most associated in the Arab world with brutal capitalist imperialism [...]

  2. By Puhn tang | Shoplucybelle on May 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    [...] Chicken-frying corporation fries a (literal) ton of chickens –At 11:30 a.m., Louisville-based corporate fast food giant Yum! Brands — the company that owns Kentucky Fried Chicken, … Response to Puhn Tang: You prefer eating birds to interacting with real live women. Is your girl friend all slick, shiny and made of plastic? Did you buy the model with the vibrating mouth? [...]

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