So spoke Karen Cunagin Sypher, the wily femme fatale who was convicted earlier this year for extorting money from University of Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino. Sypher held a press conference today with her new legal counsel in a second floor conference room at downtown’s Hotel Louisville in which “new evidence” was “revealed,” ostensibly proving that she received an unfair trial at the hands of a corrupt U of L-backed judge and a corrupt court system bought and paid for by the financial backers of the KFC Yum! Center.
The self-described “Fertile Myrtle” — whose lemur-eyed, quasi-embalmed plastic countenance is really off-putting in person, so much so that you can’t help thinking, over and over, a man as powerful as Rick Pitino, in a town like Louisville, actually fucked this woman? — will be sentenced next week per her conviction in August for extortion, lying to FBI investigators and retaliating against a witness. As such, she has thrown out her previous lawyer, James Earhart, and has enlisted the awesome-sounding U.S. Justice Watch in an effort to obtain a retrial under grounds so insane-sounding they make Alex Jones sound like Walter Cronkite.
In a nutshell, Sypher’s Justice Watch team, headed by Captain America Washington, D.C., attorney David Nolan, wants to throw out the ruling by Judge Charles R. Simpson III, who will be sentencing Sypher Oct. 26th unless Justice Watch can save her in the nick of time.
“This is a 21st century internet lynching,” Nolan told reporters. “In the coming weeks, we’ll release shocking revelations” that prove Sypher’s original conviction should be thrown out.
Those “shocking revelations” include allegations that Sypher’s ex-husband, Tim Sypher, extinguished cigarette butts on his daughter’s back even though no police report was filed and, well, it has nothing to do with the case; that Judge Simpson is a member of U of L’s Board of Alumni despite not actually being a member anymore; that witnesses in her trial weren’t allowed to give testimony; that images of her abortion receipt are available on Getty Images (for a small subscription fee, of course); and that the photos of her allegedly blowing her former lawyer (Earhart) aren’t really of Sypher blowing Earhart, but of some other lady blowing Earhart.
Justice Watch refused to release the name of the actual fellator.
As could be expected, the press lost their shit over these charges, picking them apart and shooting them down with ease as most members of Justice Watch — including former Democratic primary candidate/badass Darlene Fitzgerald Price — merely sat there as Nolan and colleague/Justice Watch investigator James Faller received the brunt of the abuse. Essentially, Justice Watch was unable to corroborate any of their charges at their own press conference, even though they allowed reporters to view and take photographs of Sypher’s clearly abused daughter.
The saddest part in all of this is that if Nolan & Co. actually possess corroborating evidence that raises the spectre of judicial impropriety, the media in this town will fight you with knives and facts.
Feed us pictures of cigarette-burned children, however, and we’ll at least give you the lead at five o’clock…