Sypher team unveils “shocking revelations”

“I thank God that someone has come to my rescue.”

So spoke Karen Cunagin Sypher, the wily femme fatale who was convicted earlier this year for extorting money from University of Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino. Sypher held a press conference today with her new legal counsel in a second floor conference room at downtown’s Hotel Louisville in which “new evidence” was “revealed,” ostensibly proving that she received an unfair trial at the hands of a corrupt U of L-backed judge and a corrupt court system bought and paid for by the financial backers of the KFC Yum! Center.

The self-described “Fertile Myrtle” — whose lemur-eyed, quasi-embalmed plastic countenance is really off-putting in person, so much so that you can’t help thinking, over and over, a man as powerful as Rick Pitino, in a town like Louisville, actually fucked this woman? — will be sentenced next week per her conviction in August for extortion, lying to FBI investigators and retaliating against a witness. As such, she has thrown out her previous lawyer, James Earhart, and has enlisted the awesome-sounding U.S. Justice Watch in an effort to obtain a retrial under grounds so insane-sounding they make Alex Jones sound like Walter Cronkite.

In a nutshell, Sypher’s Justice Watch team, headed by Captain America Washington, D.C., attorney David Nolan, wants to throw out the ruling by Judge Charles R. Simpson III, who will be sentencing Sypher Oct. 26th unless Justice Watch can save her in the nick of time.

“This is a 21st century internet lynching,” Nolan told reporters. “In the coming weeks, we’ll release shocking revelations” that prove Sypher’s original conviction should be thrown out.

Those “shocking revelations” include allegations that Sypher’s ex-husband, Tim Sypher, extinguished cigarette butts on his daughter’s back even though no police report was filed and, well, it has nothing to do with the case; that Judge Simpson is a member of U of L’s Board of Alumni despite not actually being a member anymore; that witnesses in her trial weren’t allowed to give testimony; that images of her abortion receipt are available on Getty Images (for a small subscription fee, of course); and that the photos of her allegedly blowing her former lawyer (Earhart) aren’t really of Sypher blowing Earhart, but of some other lady blowing Earhart.

Justice Watch refused to release the name of the actual fellator.

As could be expected, the press lost their shit over these charges, picking them apart and shooting them down with ease as most members of Justice Watch — including former Democratic primary candidate/badass Darlene Fitzgerald Price — merely sat there as Nolan and colleague/Justice Watch investigator James Faller received the brunt of the abuse. Essentially, Justice Watch was unable to corroborate any of their charges at their own press conference, even though they allowed reporters to view and take photographs of Sypher’s clearly abused daughter.

The saddest part in all of this is that if Nolan & Co. actually possess corroborating evidence that raises the spectre of judicial impropriety, the media in this town will fight you with knives and facts.

Feed us pictures of cigarette-burned children, however, and we’ll at least give you the lead at five o’clock…

11 Comments

  1. Colonel Angus
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 1:54 am | Permalink

    Ummm, the lawyer who took pictures of her blowing him was Dana Kolter, who represented her for something before the Ricky Quickie took place. You might want to change that bit.

  2. How to get more instagram followers free
    Posted November 18, 2013 at 7:13 pm | Permalink

    What world do you live in if you don’t know how to use hashtags.

    The system is dynamic allowing you as administrator
    to monitor all site’s activity. When sharing videos, the
    app shares the shortened URL of the video as uploaded to Viddy.

  3. how to get instagram followers
    Posted April 6, 2014 at 4:52 am | Permalink

    Hi there, i read your blog from time to time and i own a
    similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam feedback?
    If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything you can suggest?
    I get so much lately it’s driving me mad so any assistance is very much appreciated.

  4. phyto cosmetics
    Posted May 6, 2014 at 3:42 pm | Permalink

    This should be plenty to get the anti aging benefits you are looking for.
    Skin is important so a great deal of effort goes into the preparation of beauty products especially those
    that increase the production of collagen, which is
    the primary protein in skin; collagen makes
    up approximately 25 percent of the total protein in the skin.

    Put a small amount of cream on your fingertips, rub it throughout your
    neck and face every morning as well as night, taking care to
    avoid the region around the eyes.

  5. Wilhemina
    Posted May 6, 2014 at 10:12 pm | Permalink

    Will the 33-year-old GM hired by Phoenix help lead them back to
    respectability. Kupchak signed Lakers forward,
    Luke Walton to a six-year, $30 million dollar contract and
    guard, Sasha Vujacic to a three-year, $15 million contract.
    On Monday night at Prescott Fire Hall, the Lebanon
    Valley Chamber of Commerce and Lebanon County Historical society celebrated Lebanon County’s
    200 years of existence by bringing together one of the most influential groups of
    local sports personalities ever assembled.

  6. شركة استضافة
    Posted May 7, 2014 at 4:55 am | Permalink

    Howdy very nice web site!! Man .. Excellent .. Wonderful ..
    I’ll bookmark your blog and take the feeds also? I am happy to search out so many useful information right here in the submit, we want work out extra techniques in this regard, thanks for sharing.
    . . . . .

  7. Stephen seal
    Posted May 7, 2014 at 11:19 am | Permalink

    I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here.
    The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish.

    nonetheless, you command get bought an shakiness over that you wish be
    delivering the following. unwell unquestionably
    come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike.

  8. ashley Kay's ex recovery System
    Posted May 7, 2014 at 4:40 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for ones marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed
    reading it, you’re a great author.I will make sure to
    bookmark your blog and will often come back from now
    on. I want to encourage one to continue your great work,
    have a nice day!

  9. discount vouchers
    Posted May 8, 2014 at 2:18 am | Permalink

    Your method of telling all in this paragraph is genuinely good, all can easily be aware of it, Thanks a lot.

  10. Paket Tour & Travel Murah
    Posted May 8, 2014 at 8:44 am | Permalink

    Good post. I am experiencing manny of these issues as well..

  11. سيارات مستعملة للبيع
    Posted June 30, 2014 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

    I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and
    was wondering what all is required to get setup? I’m assuming having a
    blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very internet smart so I’m not
    100% certain. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Many thanks