All hail your new Kentucky senator, Rand Paul, aka The Man Who Would Be Jim Bunning.
The Bowling Green ophthalmologist and Tea Party faux-messiah has bested his Democratic opponent, Kentucky Attorney General Jack Conway.
Conway offered his congratulations from his loser’s party, held at Louisville’s downtown Marriott hotel, where the mood suggests a Cure album is going to be played at any moment…
“Give yourselves a hand; you all are wonderful,” Conway said. ” Friends, I keep a plaque on my desk that says that ‘ the joy is in the journey,’ and … what a journey I’ve had.”
Conway then talked about paraplegic miners, impoverished hardware store owners, UK students who can’t afford student loans, and other demographics ostensibly in need of a Democrat’s loving touch.
“To the people of my beloved Commonwealth, you’ve opened your homes, your hearts,” Conway said, “and Elizabeth and I love you for it.”
“I called Rand Paul just a few moments ago,” Conway continued. “He is our senator-elect, and I think we all ought to wish him well.”
Whatever: Dude blamed it on Citizens United money, which did raise substantially more for Paul.
In case you’re just now tuning in: Paul has attracted the attention of bloggers, national journalists and anyone remotely interested in American politics/cognitive dissonance since announcing his candidacy in August 2009, due in no small part to Paul’s Tea Party-backed libertarian-Objectivist beliefs, which range from eliminating the Department of Education and replacing the federal income tax with a corporate fiat sales tax to legalizing drugs and whatever else Paul might’ve learned from reading the Cliff’s Notes version of “Atlas Shrugged.”
No matter: Paul has capitulated on virtually all of that libertarian shit in lieu of becoming a Proper Republican after winning the May primary, wherein Paul beat the tar out of Kentucky Secretary of State Trey Grayson, the hand-picked establishment scion of U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch “My Face Scares Small Children” McConnell.
The resulting general election campaign proved to be an uphill battle for Conway, who remained largely behind in poll after poll despite cutting ads criticizing Paul for being a weird, Bible-mocking, misogynistic asshole in college; running to the right; flip flopping on cap-and-trade, support for the Bush tax cuts and shady utility-company money; and generally pretending to be a bizarro, progressive-version of failed Democratic primary candidate and outgoing Kentucky Lt. Governor Daniel Mongiardo in a cynical effort to win over Kentucky’s Blue Dog-minded rural constituencies at the expense of support from an energized liberal base.
Now comes the part where Paul, who has often questioned the validity of the senate to accomplish/be responsible for anything, will actually accomplish/claim responsibility for anything while he himself becomes a member of the senate. Sheeeeiit, self-disinterest works just fine for James Bunning, thank you very much!
And in related news, the moon has turned blood red.