Notes from the Jefferson County GOP’s Lincoln Day Dinner (UPDATE)

Spotted in the wild: Richie Farmer's mustache, attached to Ky. Republican gubernatorial candidate and Ky. Ag. Commissioner Richie Farmer (photo by Joe Sonka)

Despite LEO Weekly’s last appearance at the Jefferson County Republican Party’s Lincoln Day Dinner being something of a bust, we decided that we’d brave it once more in the interest of parroting the speeches of rich white people to ye, the sweaty huddled Internet-having masses.

And what did we find? About 350 state GOP foot soldiers, candidates and assorted luminaries gathered at the Philips Lane Crowne Plaza Hotel to hobnob and back-slap their way through a Saturday evening of self-congratulatory speeches and shameless Ronald Reagan worship while a mostly black wait staff catered to their every need. In sum: It was pretty much what you’d expect, minus any real consideration of President Abraham Lincoln, a known enemy of liberty, whose name was only mentioned twice in passing.

Lot of words (and pictures!) after the jump…

Former Louisville Metro Councilman and mayoral candidate Hal Heiner delivered an invocation shortly before the dinner (which appeared to consist of romaine-based salad, some kind of red meat and slices of Derby Pie), and as soon as he was introduced by the emcee someone in the audience started a slow clap, perhaps in honor of his electoral battle against Louisville Mayor Greg Fischer.

***

Junior Senator Rand Paul used the opportunity to pretend that he doesn’t hate Mitch McConnell, providing two reasons: (1) McConnell challenged the McCain-Feingold Bipartisan Campaign Finance Reform Act of 2002 (resulting in the Supreme Court’s landmark Citizens United ruling), and (2) McConnell has filed an amicus brief in an effort to repeal Obamacare, thus preserving the Paul/Objectivist-approved rights of large corporations to systematically dismantle what’s left of American democracy.

***

Paul then introduced McConnell, who began his speech with a joke: “In twenty-six years, I’ve been called a right wing zealot, an ideological caveman and an obstructionist.” But McConnell’s favorite slur? “Darth Vader.”

(It should be noted that former Vice President Dick Cheney already earned the Darth Vader moniker through sheer aversion to humanity and the artificial robot heart coolly operating inside of his chest.)

Ever the egalitarian, McConnell returned the non-hating favor by praising Paul for his forcing of the President’s social program-slashing hand via Tea Party-fueled deficit madness. “Within 30 days of Rand’s swearing in,” McConnell said, “I’m suddenly viewed as the kind of guy who can do business… You know we’re winning the debate when Barack Obama feels like he has to sit down with Darth Vader to get something done.”

Furthermore, McConnell’s speech was riddled with the kind of lies and half-truths that you’ve grown to love, chief among them a revisionist adulation over Ronald Reagan’s slashing of domestic programs like Social Security despite the fact that Reagan actually bailed out Social Security to the tune of $165 billion after his proposed cuts couldn’t clear Congress, raised taxes 11 times despite running massive spending deficits and did a bunch of other non-conservative stuff that nobody remembers.

***

State Senator Dan Seum, R-Louisville, humped Kentucky Sen. President and Republican gubernatorial candidate David Williams and his sponsorship of Kentucky SB3, which would allow the creation of neighborhood schools in Jefferson County, thus scrapping Jefferson County Public Schools’ controversial busing system.

“Kids ought to go to school in their own neighborhood,” Seum squeeled, failing to note the bill’s projected $200 million expense and racially charged impact. ”(Sen. David) Williams is a sponsor of that bill,” squeeled Seum, “which shows how much he cares about Jefferson County.”

***

Former 3rd District Rep. Anne Northup, receiving an award for doing something. (Photo by Joe Sonka)

Remember Anne Northup? Well, she was there to accept an award of some kind. “Our candidates are going to make a huge different for Kentucky,” Northup addressed the crowd. “I know it, and I know you do, too. I know we’re oging in the right direction.” Jefferson County chairwoman Shellie May noted how different things would be if Northup remained in the seat now occupied by Congressman John Yarmuth, D-3.

***

Louisville Metro Councilman Ken Fleming, R-7, expressed some wishful thinking when he called for a majority of Republicans to control the council by 2012, which isn’t likely given that President Obama will be on that ticket.

***

Mitch & Rand were presented with glass jars containing 100+ pennies, ostensibly representing (a) the number of states and terrorities under U.S. control and (b) how both senators are, like, total penny penchers who drank top shelf liquor and gorged themselves on a catered dinner along with 350 fellow penny penchers.

***

Jefferson County Clerk, Republican gubernatorial hopeful and Paula Deen lookalike Bobbie Holsclaw exceeded her alloted three minutes to talk about Ronald Reagan and to withstand cringe-inducing laughter from members of her own party. “I’m pro-life, conservative, I’ve always put people before politics,” she said before being escorted from the stage. “It has been an honor to represent this party.”

***

Tea Party Republican gubernatorial candidate and Louisville businessman  Phil Moffet gushed about how he’s never held office or raised taxes, and mentioned that Kentucky was called the worst-run state in the nation by Forbes. and quoted a president other than Ronald Reagan, Dwight Eisenhower, who spent gobs of money on the Space Race and the interstate highway system.

***

Kentucky Senate President David Williams took the shmooze approach when it was his turn to speak.

“Isn’t this a great event tonight?” he cooed.  ”I’ve been comin to Lincoln Day dinners in Jefferson County since I was a small child.”

Williams thanked the efforts Heiner and failed Republican candidate (and known power pole aficionado) Todd Lally before criticizing incumbent Gov. Steve Beshear.

“We have a governor in Franfkort, Kentucky, who has no agenda!” he said.

***

Back of Some Dude Named Bill Johnson's head. (Photo by Joe Sonka)

Some Birther Dude Named Bill Johnson, who is running for Kentucky secretary of state, said that Kentucky must do away with calculators in its schools because they’re making kids stupid at math.

Also: “I believe in the three R’s,” Some Dude Named Bill Johnson said. “Ronald Reagan Republican.” Clever!

***

Speaking of Ronald Reagan, secretary of state candidate Hilda Legg trumpeted her experience working with the Gipper in what appeared to be a Red Bull-fueled diatribe that crescendoed with a call to “not (allow) the ACORNs into Kentucky to steal the integrity of our vote,” apparently thinking that it’s still 2008.

***

Attorney General candidate Todd “Pee Pool” P’pool said that he would fight the Environmental Protection Agency to ensure that the commonwealth’s rivers and streams continue to be polluted via mountaintop removal mining, and that he would join a sizable number of state AG’s who oppose Obamacare.

***

The rest of the night’s speakers were down-ticket candidates who, true to form, continued the Reagan lovefest, which made your humble correspondent feel a little like this by the time it was all over:

UPDATE: Joe has a ton of hilarious (and non-Harry & The Hendersons-related) video over at Barefoot & Progressive.

9 Comments

  1. Kelly
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    Good God, how did you stand this? I shudder to think how awful things would be around here if Anne were still in Congress. As for Ken Fleming, I feel pretty confident in saying that there will never be a Republican majority on the Metro Council, not as Louisville continues to buck the rest of Kentucky and move further to the left.

  2. SSG. Joe Meek
    Posted February 17, 2011 at 2:51 am | Permalink

    Anne Northup got an award for doing something? What?

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  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rebby Martin, Jonathan Meador. Jonathan Meador said: Notes from the Jefferson County GOP’s Lincoln Day Dinner – FatLip http://bit.ly/i3EtYu [...]

  2. [...] 80 miles up the road? Fear and Loathing, Kentucky Style. Also known as the Lincoln Day [...]

  3. [...] Farmer started a national sensation with this haircut (or here) which was eventually adopted by teen idol Justin [...]

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